How I helped my Anxiety as a Creative Person
Pink plum blossoms covered in dew. Photo credit: Mine
CW: Anxiety, Depression
10 minute read
If you’re a human being (and if you’re reading this, you are) you’re likely familiar with anxiety to some extent. Maybe you’re even intimately acquainted with it — and if you’re a creative person, an artist, or someone who aspires to be, perhaps even more so. Anxiety is very normal, very human. It’s something that we ALL deal with at one time or another, to varying degrees, and what’s worse is that we forget that we are in good company with our experiences, and we feel ALONE.
We are not alone, though. Anxiety is a part of the human condition, and to show you how you’re not alone, I’m going to share a little about my own experiences with anxiety as a creative person, and what has helped me to largely (but not entirely) overcome it.
Now first the disclaimer that I am not a therapist nor a healthcare professional and serious mental health troubles that seriously interfere with our lives should always be discussed with a licensed therapist, counsellor, and/or your doctor. I’m fully in support of normalizing these practices and there is no shame in asking for help. I did. But yes this is not medical advice nor a substitute for it, merely an account of my own personal experiences.
Anxiety does get in the way of some day-to-day though, even for those who deal with it on a lower grade, or have higher spikes at certain times; it so often holds us back from doing, or enjoying, or even remembering, what we want to do.
My own experience
I’m going to share with you a bit of my own story here in hopes that you will find it helpful, and see that I can empathize and identify with any struggles you may be having yourself; it is good to have someone in your corner.
I’ve experienced anxiety on and off and on again a fair amount in my life, perhaps a healthy amount in general and a few times acutely as a highly sensitive young person, but I need not get into specifics, and quite honestly don’t remember most of them anyway. Never have I felt anxiety so consistently strongly though as in 2011-15 when I wound up in a marriage that was all wrong for me, and throw in some car accidents and the isolation of an international move and the inability to work, and I was a hot mess. I felt trapped.
I got an official diagnosis of anxiety and depression from my GP, and rather than finding that freeing as some do, I internalized it, and leaned into the diagnosis. I began to feel like I was broken, like there was something really, really wrong with me. (Spoiler alert: I was wrong, and there wasn’t)
When you feel like there is something wrong with you, your self esteem takes a hit, and the voice of your inner critic often speaks up louder. And when we hear that inner critic enough we really believe it (cognitive or confirmation bias) and we get stuck in the feedback loop from hell. What was needed in that case is a wrench in the gears. Something to interrupt all that. That, for me, started with therapy.
I hit my absolute rock bottom about a year or two before I got accepted into grad school for illustration, so it would’ve been 2012. I was having ongoing high-grade anxiety and near-daily panic attacks, which left me feeling ashamed, alienated, and useless, so I would be in bed or wiped out on the couch most of the time. BUT - this was also the time that a few things really changed me for the better, and I want to talk about those, and then the things I did after that, and after that. It’s hard to pinpoint which were most effective, and I’m not super-concerned about the timeline. But point being here is they helped, so here are the things I did for myself between rock-bottom and now, feeling better, which only served to improve my overall situation.
What REALLY helped:
I went on an antidepressant medication and began seeing a therapist. She really normalized my experiences for me. She said anxiety is a warning system and that it’s the brain’s way of protecting you. All this time I thought there was something wrong with me, and I was just trying to keep myself safe?!!? It was preparing me to be able to fight back, run away, or freeze (play dead?) just to survive, just to live another day.
My therapist also told me about Universal Positive Regard, how therapists are trained to be nonjudgmental and see everyone as inherently worthy. Me! Inherently worthy! Like, we are all worthy by default. We don’t have to do anything to earn that. This was the simplest thing but utterly revolutionary for me.
She asked me — “When do you feel most at peace?” and I answered, when I’m around animals, when I’m out in nature, or making art. Therefore, 4. 5. 6.
I began spending time at a local stable because I used to love going to the barn as a kid, riding and grooming horses. However, in the end riding was too much for me because I didn't feel safe being anxious on top of a thousand pound animal, and overall the experience was too far away to be frequent enough, so we adopted a dog who would become my constant companion. River has been the light of my life ever since, and if you stick around long enough I’m sure you’ll meet her on Zoom before too long. She gets me up and out of the house and moving my body whether I want to or not, talking to people and laughing at her silly antics.
Speaking of exercise, I began going on solo hikes again, immersing myself in nature, and I began learning about the local flora and fauna and drawing it in my sketchbook. I joined a local Nature Journal Club and got certified as a California Naturalist. I began training for the West Coast Trail up here in BC, which I ultimately hiked in eight days with a friend in August of 2014. That was a life-changing trip.
I threw myself into my art, improving the accuracy of my drawing and painting skills, and when I discovered a chance to apply to a scientific illustration graduate program, I just had to apply. I put my head down and got it done and got accepted. However, I was still having the odd panic attack and I was terribly worried that I would experience one in class. So…
I went to a psychiatrist and took his advice. Yep. I sure did. That was the most expensive 15 minutes of my life, I’m pretty sure. He listened to me talk for ten of those minutes before he stopped me and said “Look, I could write you a prescription that I don’t think you need or I could just ask you if there is a way that you can safely exit your marriage?” There was no intentional abuse happening, but my ex-spouse and I were very wrong for each other, and the circumstances were wrong, in spite of how hard we were trying. I think we both knew it too. But it took someone else asking me point blank. Sometimes you need to pay someone to be unflinchingly honest with you. … So we called it quits on our marriage and I entered that graduate program on the brink of a separation. It was a really tough time, but the program and the artwork gave me a sense of purpose and a way forward. When I came back to Canada in 2015 it was another couple years of semi-hibernation before the divorce went through properly and I could fully lift the cloud of depression (and that’s a story for another time) but the anxiety—that I was beginning to get that under control.
I began meditating in 2015 using the Headspace app (not sponsored or anything here), to learn to be able to not associate myself too strongly with my thoughts and feelings, and realize that they are just information. I learned that I myself am just the experiencer, the watcher, of these thoughts and feelings. They have nothing to do with my value as a human (go back to point #2 here!!)
I began journaling and keeping lists and a planner as a way to externalize my thoughts and feelings and put them somewhere else, stop them from swimming and tumbling around in my head, driving me to distraction. At first I was worried someone would read them, that my pretty notebook wasn’t worthy of my thoughts (what??) or that I had to write a certain way. Then I began to let go of grammar and pretty handwriting and spelling and just wrote stream-of-consciousness style… anything and everything that occurred to me. I would write out whatever I had to do that day, and then from there I was able to make a list, and work through things one at a time. Revolutionary, a to-do list. I know. I think it was the perfectionist in me, not wanting to leave any evidence of leaving things undone, or being smart enough to keep it all in my head. But when you carry things around in your head you have to think about them every now and then, and constantly bringing up stuff that isn’t timely… it’s exhausting. When you write them down, it’s there, you can look it up and you can let it go. So helpful. As for what to do with my journals, I plan to burn them, and I’m not even a little bit kidding.
I began reading self help books. A lot of them. There was a time when I would not be caught dead in that section of a bookstore. Now I scour that section in thrift stores looking for cheap copies of my favourite books that I can give away. Give me your recommendations and I’ll give you mine!
I started simplifying in order to preserve bandwidth. I began to look at my self-development as curating my life. Letting go of the things, actions, and even some people I found burdensome and unhealthy to have around, or that were unhelpful or holding me back (things that didn’t spark joy, thank you Marie Kondo). I stopped shopping and bringing things in that I thought would fix me… this made room to bring more experiences and peace into my life instead. I am not done yet; it’s an ongoing process, especially as a creative who needs a lot of art supplies… but right now I’m in another cathartic letting go stage as well. Less inventory, less inventory management. I love a good clear out. I don’t wear much in the way of makeup, don’t fuss about my hair, don’t wear uncomfortable shoes.
I stopped worrying about the outcome of things that were outside of my control and started staying in my lane. I learned that this is also known as not giving a fuck, as per the wisdom of Mark Manson and Sarah Knight. I mean I still CARE, but I don’t dwell on it anxiously.
I learned that anxiety, which we can also call fear, is very similar, physiologically, to excitement. As we’re experiencing them it can be very difficult to tell the difference between the two, they have such similar bodily responses. Sometimes, you’re even feeling a mix of the two and you can’t tell which one is which. Breathing, and Gratitude, is where it can be different. When I’m feeling a little overwhelm paralysis, if I consciously breathe slowly and deeply, and think of something I’m grateful for in this situation, I can actually notice the scale tipping over away from anxiety towards excitement just a little bit, and then get fired up and go do something productive about it. It’s great.
I stopped isolating myself, started dancing again, made and cultivated some very dear & meaningful friendships.
I learned a little about how anxiety relates to attachment theory in relationships. I am no expert here and I definitely see more therapy in my future, but this opened my eyes to old patterns, and helped me know where I should exercise caution in future. I also took a very long break, a respite, from dating. I will say no more about my personal life, but it WAS very helpful.
I learned that the scale of my fear or anxiety isn’t always proportional to the thing I’m afraid OF. That if I just do the thing, it’s not so bad, often just a bit uncomfortable but the reward is SO worth it. If I can approach it on my own terms and do a little at a time… OR just rip the bandaid off… either way, this is apparently called “bravery” or “courage” It was Carrie Fisher who said something like “Stay afraid, but do it anyway.” Wise words.
I began a self-compassion practice, and became my own best friend, my own primary partner, my own teacher, my own (extra) parent, my own child. I learned to speak to myself kindly, or at least, neutrally. I also forgave myself for being so mean to myself all these years.
Lastly (for now), I learned that anxiety doesn’t ever really go away. Bummer. It was a hard pill to swallow for sure. But after reading more than a dozen books on creativity, everyone says the same thing. It doesn’t really go away. Artist’s block, gremlins, lizard brain, inner demon, saboteur, shadow self, the devil, inner critic, whatever you want to call it… You can get used to it, you can learn to live with it, you can befriend it, you can love it, you can be compassionate and kind to it, you can observe it without being caught up in it… but it doesn’t go away. A hard fact of life, and I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but here we are. Successful creatives have learned to get along with it.
I’ll say again: Anxiety is normal, and you’re normal for feeling it.
So as a creative person, as a coach who helps others, as an art instructor, it would be remiss of me to not mention anxiety even though I am not a therapist. I can recommend getting therapy alongside coaching, or instead of coaching, for a while, if you need it and until you’re feeling like you’ve got some ground under you again. I can’t help you with trauma stuff, but I can help you with all the practicalities of creative work, help you discover your goals and work to pursue them, help you get out of your own way, whenever you feel you’re ready for it. I can tell you my own experiences and validate yours.
I can help you because I get it. I’ve been there. I’m still there sometimes.
I personally know how anxiety:
Keeps our potential energy bound up.
Warps our perspective.
Keeps us in black-and-white thinking patterns.
Keeps us procrastinating and never starting.
Makes us abandon our projects partway.
Ties us to perfectionism like a ball & chain.
Keeps us feeling unworthy, like impostors.
Keeps us fearing rejection, worrying about what other people will think.
Keeps us from connecting with others.
Keeps us from sharing our story, sharing our art.
Keep us scrolling, wasting our precious time
Keep us downplaying our gifts and sabotaging our success
It’s insidious. But it’s just our brains trying to keep us safe. We just have to let our brains know, consciously, that we know better. That we are in control, and we know what’s best.
We have to look at it, we have to talk about it.
One step at a time, we can begin to build momentum. Then we can begin to see things from multiple angles and perspectives. To understand that multiple opposing things can be true at the same time. We can begin the projects we’ve always wanted, foster creative habits that will enable us to slowly but surely complete them. We can relax our standards, embrace imperfections in both ourselves and our artwork, and be free to experiment and make a mess, without repercussion. We can gain confidence in our abilities and believe in our inherent worthiness. We can realize we’re not everyone’s cup of tea, but we can find our community, the people who support us and believe in us. We can stay curious about the world and get out into it. We can, in time, be thriving successful artists… who still feel a little bit anxious sometimes, but can manage well.
